For decades, Bud Light dominated the American beer market. Through clever marketing campaigns targeting a profitable demographic, the brand was number one both at the bar and in retail stores.

With the onslaught of craft brews and IPAs, however, watered-down American lagers became less and less desirable to beer drinkers. In response, Bud Light looked to seek new customers outside of its typical base.

Less than a month later, the brand is on its way to the scrapyard. Anheuser Busch admits that the Dylan Mulvaney partnership was a horrible idea that irreparably harmed the iconic beer and will discontinue it when the current production run ends.
CEO Jow Barron says it’s a necessary switch and that he looks forward to working with marketing directors suggested by Kid Rock to relaunch the all-new “Bud Zero.”

Bus zero will offer zero carbs, zero sugars, zero calories, and in keeping in tradition with Budweiser products, zero flavor. “The morons complaining that their pisswater is gay will love it,” said Mulvaney, “I’m personally moving on to Snapple.”

Snapple stock plummeted more than .06 points at the news, giving conservatives something new they don’t understand to laugh at. God Bless you, Snapple. And God Bless America.