New USFL Will Fire Any Player Who Kneels For The Anthem “On The Spot”

The United States Football League may be young and struggling, but they definitely have a future. Unlike the NFL, the USFL’s fan base continues to grow as they implement new policies.

The latest to make the new fans happy is a complete ban on kneeling during the National Anthem. League Commissioner Joe Barron said the rule is strict and non-negotiable.

“We don’t want any of that nonsense,” said Barron, “people kneeling in protest hurts the troops. How could anyone want to do that? What did soldiers ever do to football players?”

The idea that US servicemen and women are somehow harmed by kneeling football players has been disputed for years, but data suggests that it may be one of the key factors in the 22 veteran suicide per day statistic, according to Tucker Carlson.

“Has anyone noticed that nobody gave a single bit of attention to white players when they protested injustice?” Carlson said he hasn’t seen Caucasians treated this poorly since they forced Jim McMahon to write “Rozelle” on a headband.

At any rate, the USFL is doing everything it can to attract those who have abandoned the NFL. They have an exclusive deal with Pabst for Blue Ribbon drafts, and all of the local drug stores have agreed to stock extra Sudafed on game days.

The league’s 8-week schedule opens sometime this year in one of the cities hosting a team. Tickets are most definitely still available.

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