Whoopi Goldberg was supposed to get a “Lifetime Achievement Award” from the Golden Globes, but it was canceled. According to a source close to the company’s Ethics Board, “Golden Globes LLC can’t put its name behind an honor of that magnitude when the recipient is so controversial.” The order came down just after the New Year, forcing GGLLC to scramble for a new recipient, settling instead on Keanu Reeves.

Reeves will be the youngest recipient of the award, with the shortest list of credits. “We had to find someone everyone loves, and quickly.” Reeves has never had a scandal. As for Whoopi, she’s chock full of them. Whether she’s refusing to stop calling Kyle Rittenhouse a murderer or taking Hitler’s side on the Holocaust, she’s always there to be on the wrong side of history.

Goldberg’s antics cost her, and big. She’ll now miss out on being with an elite club that will surely include greats like James Woods, Jon Voight, and Kid Rock for his work on Joe Dirt. Along with the long list of liberals who got it as a participation trophy, of course.
Joe Barron, Goldberg’s publicist, says Whoopi couldn’t care less about some award and that the media should stay focused on Will Smith. “Maybe keep your eyes on that Kathy Griffin character of worry about what kind of nonsense Alyssa Milano might spout. Whoopi has earned a break from the wrath of the common tater.”

Perhaps he’s right, patriots, but as long as those spuds keep coming back, there’s little else we can do but oblige. God bless America.